When a loved one passes, when does the hurt subside? What do you do? When will I feel better?
The grief of losing someone close to you is difficult. First, no one ever thinks of these things. It is one constant thing about life that people do not prepare for. Even when we know anything can happen, and when it eventually does, no matter how strong we think we are, we are still thrown off balance. Unfortunately, the heartache is always there that is why we are human. The reason some people seem not to feel any grief is not that they are cold toward that person, it merely shows the controlled emotions.
During the early stage, the grief is much more controlled, which may cause constant emotional distress.
During this period, a lot of us tend to think the pain will never stop, but it will as time goes on. We learn to live with the loss, the emptiness, and the pain that the loss of a dear one creates.
The stages of mourning
According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, there are five stages of grief, which are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are what people pass through when they are in mourning and learning a few things about them will help you understand why people act the way they do after the loss of a loved one.
It is the first of the five stages of grief, which helps us to survive the blow caused by the death of someone. The world and the whole essence of living become meaningless to someone in this stage of grief. Denial is nature’s way of allowing us to accept only what we can handle. We begin the healing process when we accept the reality of the loss and start to ask questions. We become stronger, and the denial phase is gradually fading out. Nonetheless, as we move from this stage, all the emotions we are denying will begin to surface.
Anger is the phase of grief we all go through, but for it is necessary for the healing process. It is okay to be angry with the loss of a loved one. The more you feel it, the more it will begin to melt away. Furthermore, there are several emotions under the anger phase, but we are used to managing anger than any other feelings. Unfortunately, there is no limit to anger; we can transfer it to family members, friends, doctors and even to your loved one who died as well as God. When you start asking questions like, “where was God when it happened”, if He loved me that much why did He allow it to happen? These are signs of the anger stage and it may come as a surprise to you, but anger is strength. It is better to be angry than to feel nothing at all. Anger is another proof of the intensity of your love.
Even in relationships, it is better for your partner to be angry with you (for doing the wrong thing), than keeping still or show no emotion. Watch it, if your spouse stops being mad at you, something may be brewing, and you will not like it.
Before and after the loss of a loved one, you find yourself bargaining for your loved one to be spared. It seems you can do anything and everything for them to be saved. You say words like “please God, if…” we can say or do virtually anything just to spare their lives. We are ready to do anything just to get things to be the way they were before the loss. This period tends to last for a very long time. With the bargaining stage, comes with guilt or regret.
We start thinking about the possible things we would have done to avert the current situation. Sometimes, we bargain with pain; we will do anything not to feel the heartaches. Please note that the five stages may not occur in straight order. Humans can jump from step one to stage three so this also is normal.
The next stage after the bargaining phase is depression. This stage comes when we are, “awake.” and reality sets in causing the empty feelings to come rushing in. This stage feels like it will last forever,but actually, every step feels like an eternity. That is why many will bargain for the pain to go away.
The depression stage is when our attention moves straight into the present. However, you need to understand that depression is not a symptom of mental illness but instead it is an appropriate response to a significant loss. The inability not to experience this stage of grief is highly unusual. The realization that you will never see, talk, laugh, eat, dance, or fight with your loved again is depressing. If you must heal, then be ready to face this phase of grief.
In contrary, acceptance is coming to terms with what happened. It is accepting the fact of the death of a loved one. Most people make the mistake of thinking acceptance means being okay with the loss. No one is okay losing a loved one you are merely accepting reality. This is the last and the final stage of grief. When do we leave this stage? The answer is never, leaving this stage is going back to one the listed steps above. Acceptance is learning to live the new reality, it does not mean we are okay with it. It has been changed forever; the best we can do is to readjust to the new situation.
We are at this stage when we have learned to rearrange our goals, and dreams to fit into the new norms and when we reassign the roles to others or do them ourselves. Acceptance is when we have learned to be happy again without feeling guilty about the death of a loved one. Please note that getting to this stage does not mean we are replacing what has been lost. It is a new chapter in our lives where we make new connections, making new friends, and start living our lives again.
To answer the question, “When Someone Passes, When Does the Hurt Subsides?” the pain will subside when we have successfully pass through the five stages of grief.
What can be done?
The stages of grief or mourning are typical, but we can still do something about every phase. As Christians, God is always available to sooth the pain, and to hasten the complete mourning process. He made everything possible in His word (The Bible) even when we blame Him for what has happened, He loves us still, and He understands what you are going through.
Below are some scriptures that can ease the pain of the death of a loved one; they are some of the promises of God to every believer
Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return. They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness: (Isaiah 51:11)
No eye has seen no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him: (1 Corinthians 2:9b)
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?. No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below. Indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord: (Romans 8:35 – 39)
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this physical body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands: (2 Corinthians 5:1)
We would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord: (2 Corinthians 5:8b)
And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died: (1 Thessalonians 4:13 – 14)
Encourage Yourself: So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold — though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world: (1 Peter 1: 6-7)